


Tears, Idle Tears

by rainbowgoddess



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-08-02
Updated: 1999-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-10 23:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowgoddess/pseuds/rainbowgoddess
Summary: After the events of "Ladies' Man", Fraser comforts Ray.





	Tears, Idle Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).
    
    
    Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine and I don't make any money from
    them.
    Rating: PG, m/m. h/c slash
    Pairing: Fraser/Kowalski
    Feedback to:
    
    Tears, Idle Tears
    by Iris Gray
    ------------
    Oh, dear.
    
    Ray was crying. 
    
    Ben looked away. He looked at his hands. He tried to ignore
    Ray. He thought that perhaps Ray would not want anyone to see
    him cry. 
    
    But he couldn't ignore Ray. Ray was his friend, and he was in
    pain. He couldn't just sit there and do nothing. But what
    could he do?
    
    "Ray," he said softly. No response. "Ray?" The sobbing
    continued. Had it only been two days ago that he had stopped
    Ray from shooting a suspect who had stolen Ray's gun by simply
    saying "Look at me?"  
    
    Ben reached out and tentatively placed a hand on Ray's
    shoulder. He felt a marginal relaxation in response. He
    carefully put his arm all the way around his partner's
    shoulders. Ray leaned into him. Fraser put his other arm
    around his partner, always alert for any indication that his
    attention was not welcome. He gently drew Ray into his
    embrace, and Ray leaned his head on Fraser's shoulder.
    
    Ray was not entirely sure what he was doing. All he had
    *meant* to do was take Beth Botrelle home. Then he had ended
    up touring the former crime scene with her. He had hoped that
    doing so would exorcise some of the demons that had plagued
    him since the night eight years ago when he had found Jake
    Botrelle dead. When Beth thanked him - thanked him! He had
    nearly gotten her killed and she had *thanked* him! - he felt
    himself beginning to lose it. He managed to make it to his
    car, and of course Fraser was there, as he had been throughout
    the two days of madness leading to Beth's exoneration in the
    death of her husband. He thought to himself, *It's all over
    now. I can take Fraser back to the consulate, and I can go
    home. * But he didn't even start the car. He put his head down
    on the steering wheel and the dam broke. He couldn't stop
    crying. 
    
    Then he felt Fraser's hand on his shoulder. At first he didn't
    pay much attention to it. Then he felt Fraser's arms go around
    him. He leaned into his friend's embrace and rested his head
    on his shoulder. Somewhere in the back of his mind floated the
    thought, *I am crying on Fraser's shoulder. He has his arms
    around me. Should this be happening? Should I be letting it
    happen?* He ignored it. He was in too much pain to care, too
    much pain to think. All he wanted was to feel, and right now
    Fraser's arms around him felt good. He'd think about it later.
    
    Fraser was holding Ray in his arms. He was uncertain how to
    proceed from here. He'd never held a man in his arms before,
    and very few women. He found himself awkwardly stroking Ray's
    hair. He smiled slightly. Ray's hair. Ray had once described
    it as "experimental" which was typical of Ray's habit of self-
    deprecation. He liked Ray's hair. He knew that the detective
    had tried in vain to control it and had finally given up in
    frustration. Ben thought it was attractive. *Whoops. Where did
    /that/ thought come from? Ignore it, Benton* he told himself.
    *Ray does not feel that way about you even if you feel that
    way about him.*
    
    Eventually, Ray's sobs quieted. He hiccuped a few times and
    took a few deep breaths. He didn't move out of Fraser's arms
    right away. He admitted to himself that he liked the way the
    Mountie's arms felt around him. He felt comfortable and safe.
    And, well, he felt something else, too. Uh-oh. He hadn't
    expected *that.* He carefully sat up, away from Fraser, and
    hoped his friend didn't see the bulge in his trousers. *This
    is perfectly natural* he tried to convince himself. *No one
    has touched me in a long time, and this is my body reacting,
    that's all.* 
    
    And then he thought, *Yeah, right. Admit it, Kowalski, you're
    attracted to the Mountie.* Not that he would ever actually
    /tell/ Fraser that. No way, no how, no sir. He'd jump off
    another ship first.
    
    "Are you all right, Ray?" asked Fraser.
    
    Ray rubbed his eyes. "Yeah. Thanks, Fraser."
    
    He started the car, then turned back to Fraser. "Uh, Fraser? I
    don't - I don't really want to be alone right now. Would you,
    uh, like to come over to my place for awhile?"
    
    "Certainly, Ray."
    
    "I don't have any bark tea."
    
    "Understood, Ray."
    
    "And I'm still a slob."
    
    "I didn't think that had changed in the last two days, Ray."
    
    "Okay, so long as ya know what to expect."
    
    Yes, Fraser knew what to expect. Or rather, what not to
    expect. He knew not to expect that Ray would want anything
    other than his company, someone to discuss the Botrelle case
    with. That was all.
    
    *Damn, what am I getting myself into?* thought Ray. *Why did I
    just ask Fraser to come home with me? I must be insane.* But
    who else would he ask? Stella? Not likely. Fraser was his
    friend. Even if he wasn't likely to be anything more than a
    friend, Ray was grateful for his friendship. Of course, if Ray
    couldn't control his hormones, there was the possibility of
    losing Fraser's friendship. The mere thought immediately
    dampened Ray's ardour.
    
    Once inside his apartment, Ray was unable to relax. He
    couldn't sit still. He paced restlessly. Fraser watched him.
    Just watching Ray could make a person tired.
    
    "Ray, perhaps you would be more comfortable if you sat down,"
    Fraser suggested.
    
    *Yeah, right, comfortable sitting next to Fraser?* thought
    Ray. His body would give him away in a minute. *Nope, can't
    sit anywhere /near/ him.* Most of the time he was able to
    control his feelings around the Mountie. But tonight was
    different. He had made himself vulnerable. He had allowed
    Fraser to get close. Few people were close to Ray Kowalski.
    Stella had been close once, but was no longer. Now, suddenly,
    Benton Fraser was here. So close. Ray could reach out and
    touch him if he wanted to. And he wanted to. But he wouldn't.
    He wouldn't risk losing Fraser.
    
    His reverie was interrupted by Fraser's voice. "Ray, you do
    realize that you are pacing?" said the Mountie.
    
    "Yeah, Fraser, I realize that I'm pacing. Why are you watchin'
    me, anyway?"
    
    Fraser gulped. How was he supposed to answer that question? He
    was no good at lying. He covered for it by allowing people to
    assume that it was a Mountie thing, like Dudley Do-Right from
    that American cartoon; 'Mounties don't lie.' But Mounties were
    human beings like anyone else. Mounties lied. Benton Fraser
    didn't lie. He couldn't lie if he wanted to. Unfortunately,
    now he wanted to. He couldn't exactly say, 'Because I find you
    very attractive, Ray,' now, could he? "I am simply concerned
    for your well-being, Ray." *Please be satisfied with that*.
    
    "My well-being? You mean, ya wanna make sure I'm okay?" asked
    Ray, puzzled.
    
    "Yes, Ray. You have had a very stressful few days. Have you
    even eaten anything today?" *There, I've changed the subject*
    thought Fraser.
    
    Ray laughed. "It's not like I've never gone without food
    before, Fraser. Ya don't need ta worry about me."
    
    "Ray, going without food, and, from all indications, without
    sleep, as you have for the past several days, is not healthy."
    
    "Dammit, Fraser, don't mother me! I'm fine, okay?" Ray
    shouted. *Oh sh*t. Did I really just yell at Fraser?* The look
    on Fraser's face said he had. Hurt and confusion were obvious.
    It wasn't like Fraser could hide his feelings. But if that was
    the case - what exactly was Fraser feeling, then? Hurt, yes.
    That was to be expected, since his closest friend had just
    yelled at him for no reason. Confusion, ditto. But was there
    something else? *No, there can't be. I'm imagining it. I
    haveta be. He can't feel about me the way I feel about him.
    Why would he?*
    
    "Ray." There was Fraser's voice again. "Ray? Ray?"
    
    "Yeah, Frase? What is it?"
    
    "I was just saying that perhaps it would be best if I left
    now, and allowed you to get some rest."
    
    *NO! He can't leave now. I don't want him to leave. Not like
    this. Not after I yelled at him and basically told him to go
    to h*ll.* "Naw, Fraser, really, I'm okay. You don't haveta
    leave." He knelt in front of the couch, facing his partner.
    "I'm sorry I yelled at ya, Frase. I'm not used to other people
    caring how I feel. I don't even know *why* ya care so much." 
    
    Oh, dear. There was another unanswerable question. "Why do I
    care? I care because you are my friend, Ray." *Why do I get
    the feeling he isn't going to be satisfied with that answer?*
    
    Ray put both his hands on Fraser's knees. "Am I *just* your
    friend, Fraser? Is that all I am to you?" he asked, unable to
    keep the plaintive note out of his voice. He realized that he
    was crying again.
    
    Fraser reached out and wiped the tears from Ray's face. "No,
    Ray. You are more than just my friend. So much more."
    
    "Frase?"
    
    "Yes, Ray?"
    
    "Wouldya mind if - if - I kissed ya?"
    
    "I would mind if you did not kiss me, Ray."
    
    And Fraser's arms were around him once more, and Fraser was
    holding him, and this time there was nothing tentative about
    it, as the strong arms held him tightly and their lips met for
    the first time. 
    
    "Frase?" said Ray when he came up for air.
    
    "Yes, Ray?"
    
    "I think I love you."
    
    Fraser smiled. "I think I love you, too, Ray."
    
    End
    
    "Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean.
    Tears from the depth of some divine despair
    Rise in the heart, and gather in the eyes
    In looking on the happy autumn fields
    And thinking of the days that are no more."
    --Lord Tennyson, "The Princess"
    
    "Cry if you want to
    I won't tell you not to
    I won't try to cheer you up
    I'll just be here if you want me to."
    --- Holly Cole Trio, "Cry if You Want To",
    
    


End file.
